Saturday, September 11, 2010

Diver Down

I realized that I was blogging uplifting stories where a person helped me make a hard life decision. I know that's kind of boring, so this one will be Synde fail--one where my big mouth got me in trouble. Shock, right?
My relationship with Van Halen is a love/hate kind of thing. I love to hate them. OK. That's not really fair. I do like "Jump." But only if David Lee Roth does it!
They came from the same area of California I did and my brother knew them well. I didn't know them at all. I was busy listening to the Ramones, Iggy Pop and Richard Hell and the Void Oids when they were breaking.

One of my more steady gigs was with Magic Mountain during their concert series as either a lighting technician or assistant stage manager. I piggybacked a ton of gigs from the shows that went through there.
So, one night they were having this "rock" band called Autograph play..Yep the ol' tragic hump was getting desperate. They had begun to book talentless “hair” bands. They had a hit at the time but it was so godawful I refuse to even Google it to give you the name.(OK. OK. It was called “Turn up the Radio”). Anyway my boss, one hell of a guy by the name of Don Burgess, told me that David Lee Roth was coming to hang with the band and he needed an escort. Guess who??? Yep. Me.

When I was informed that "Mr. Roth" was waiting for me at the gate, I took my time getting there, a million thoughts racing through my mind.Wonder if he'll be as difficult as I’ve heard? Wonder if he'll be wearing spandex?

When I arrived he didn't ask my name or anything friendly like, but announced he wanted to "ride rollercoasters, eat food, and then see the band." We did exactly that. He didn't really speak to me, unless it was to inform me of his next desire. During my time with him in the park, he wore a chance at getting a gander at that infamous mane he had? Or did he really have one? Maybe he was bald on top? Maybe he wore a hair piece?...maybe?

When we arrived back at the theatre I thought I was finally free of David Lee Douchebag.But, no...he needed me to kneel right next to him the entire concert so no one would approach him. (Like anyone would?) Just to make sure, he kept his foot on my hand and applied pressure any time I tried to pull it away. Neat! Just what I wanted to do be crotch level with DLR and a bunch of sweaty metal guys. Not even cute ones...or well endowed..It stank of sweat and colonge and fun folks. BTW he wasn't wearing a hat in the evening, but his hair looked um.. too full if you will. I know you get what I am saying here.. heh heh

Finally, I asked him through gritted teeth to remove his foot before I removed it for him. Oddly he did without even a protest. I believe he was testing me. Once foot left hand, Synde left David. He was on his own the rest of the night. I don't do abuse, especially when paired with the worst kind of metal band. I gave the "delightful" job to one of the Magic Mountain technicians who was ecstatic to be near DLR, and went into the office to complete the evening's paper work.

The next day my boss called and said DLR's manager had called and asked for my phone number. He told Don that they needed some help on a video shoot. I was ambivalent, but when they called I took the job.

Cut to the next week. I was in a big warehouse setting up the "Just A Gigolo" lights with 3 other dudes. DLR pranced and primped around, giving orders like Mussolini.Twice he "accidentally" bumped into the 8-foot ladder I was balancing on. Clearly, the D stood for douchebag.

I had had enough. I had almost lost my footing on the last bump aaaaannnd I swear I heard him giggle..Nice masculine gesture Dave, just like a little girl.
When the lights were hung, I went to the sound board to help check the levels.While most often in videos, the musicians aren’t singing at full voice, they usually aren’t lip-syncing. They sing with themselves, so we had to blare the recorded track over and over. So, this is what I used to check levels--and I preface it by saying..MY BAD...LOL--"D-A-V-I-D WEARS A HAIRPIECE" (Heavy pronunciation on the D). It took about 3 times before everyone heard it. David was yelling; the dudes were laughing. It was awesome.

One of the video producers came over, smiled, and said, "I have to fire you now, you know, but that was pretty funny. Still, you’re fired. Oh, but here is your $200 for the day."
I left quite happily.

So the moral of the story...Synde keep your damn mouth shut! My editor however thinks it's sometimes you gotta do whatcha gotta do, so you decide..

Oh yes, one more thing. I can't say if he really wears a hairpiece, but you know what??

I NEVER LIE!!!! Mwahahaha...

When the end comes I know that I’m just a gigolo
Life goes on without me.

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