I KNOW THIS MUCH IS TRUE...

In the years I have worked in the music business, I never developed "crushes" on the people I worked for. The last time I can even think of crushing on a musician was during the 80's on Tony Hadley of Spandau Ballet (FTR, I never worked with them). I can't explain it. I guess I really really like tall dark haired men? Anyway, once I saw him hold his microphone like a cup of tea it was done...crush abated big time. Although, when I hear "True" I still sigh like a 12 year old girl. (I know, I know…ewww.)

Still, there is one exception...Al Jourgensen. UH HUH! You know it. I love me some Ministry and Al gives 110% on stage. In addition, there is always the added bonus of seeing if he'll gore himself on his own microphone stand. Al lives life and is passionate about the problems in the world, and I have to respect that. Plus, creatively he never stops. I have had the pleasure of meeting him a few times; each time he is gracious and compelling, and TALL!

In the first year I lived in Seattle, I was walking down 1st Street Downtown with my pal Willow when we noticed coming towards us this gentleman that looked quite remarkably like Al Jourgensen. I was trying to convince Willow that this was indeed Al but she would have none of it. As said dude passed us, I looked around him and said, "it totally is Al Jourgensen." ( I never just call him Al. I always call him Al Jourgensen...like Santa Claus or Jack the Ripper...) Anyway, dude must have heard me because he turned around and smiled...or bared his teeth... It could have been either, really. "Uh-oh," I thought as my fight or flight mechanism took control. He looked at me and said very kindly, "you win."

Holy shit, it WAS Al Jourgensen... Could I be more embarrassed?

We all chatted for a few and I was shocked to find out that Al hangs in Seattle pretty often. He told us he was having a few people to the Albi Room in the evening and we should stop by. The Albi is a bizarre dark club know for it's "look the other way " policy for musicians... Many still hang there. We went that night, met some cool folks and talked current events, religion and the craptastic state of music. It was a good time. Sadly I don't have a story about how Al shaped my life or gave me sage words of wisdom. I haven't made any incredible personal changes in my life because of something he said...

Or Have I??? Heh heh...

A few days ago I went out for drinks with friends...and Al was there. The general consensus from the group was that I was tense, quiet, and drinking way more than usual. I explained I was facing a sort of professional crisis, thinking about testing the waters in the music biz again. I was worried about stepping back into a world that abandoned me when I was diagnosed with cancer. That I was both excited and terrified. I also shared the story of how someone close to me suggested I start reading the trades again because I was sort of closed off musically. CLOSED OFF??? WTF??? They all laughed. My friend Eric said he could see the old Synde emerging. Was that a good thing, I wondered?

Mr. Jourgensen was very to the point as usual. "Fuck yeah, you should do it! Especially if it scares you, because that means you feel challenged, pushed to excel. You'll have to prove yourself all over again. That's a good thing. They'll be no laurels for you to rest on this time."

I might or might not have almost started to cry right then... If you know me, you know the answer. If you don't, then I totally didn't!!!

So I made my decisions and took Al's advice. Hopefully I did the right thing...It's early on and I can't tell. I'm teetering on the precipice between hysterical panic and the adrenaline of making the right choice. Time is on my side, I hope...


Armageddon, it's gotten
No savior jailer can take it from me
World ending, it's just beginning
And rock and roll is what I'm born to be